Radiation Will Be The Judge To Which You Will Testify

Hatred from the Point of Conception

Detracting from all prior engagements,
forgetting all genetic strands connecting me to society,
would not bring this hatred to resolution

Defecation in desolation, this life
I pretend to lead,
but it leads me
The most disgusting illusion in this life,
is the illusion of choice
They said I could choose which way to proceed,
but each path is frought with greed
Each time I fight, I bleed,
Each time you’re right, you’re freed
While I sit here dealing with leftover deceit

No more do I wish to feel this anger, buried in layers of hatred,
cut off from outer reach
Sometimes I think
it grew from love,
Like mushrooms, growing on a field full of manure

And, like mushrooms, these dark feelings 
sprouted upward toward the sky
clouds gone, it has devoured my pride,
I am soured, devoid
Maybe still a coward,
but I would rather die than seek out power

And now, inside my chest
that sad, thumping instrument keeps its beat
knowing my defeat, glowing through stress
A sad person beneath my feet

And now my love hates me, for wrongs I have committed
like singing her songs, for me, each measure, energy is emitted
for her, each measure is drills to concrete floors,
nails to chalkboards,
She tried to coerce me, until I fell upon, her
false pretenses
Again I laugh at her wasted time, the stupidity of my choices,

But the laughs cannot outweigh the regret and remorse,
burned inside my matrix of biology

I never got what I wanted,
I don’t have what I want,
And I will never get what I want

And it goes so much beyond wants..

That which I need, has not always been provided,
My car was stolen at 16
My trust fund was stolen at 17
My childhood was stolen at 18
My patience continues to thieved
My hatred continues to be deceived, into thinking
that all this, was what I wanted

An empty pocket, an empty gas task, an empty head
A vapid, encapsulating wall of fear,
A neverending march toward oblivion,
A neverending, laborious canard
Stabbing me, every step of the way

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